3:07 AM

I just smudge my mascara and I don't really care how you feel about it.

here we are... something fucking wrong with a world when a woman of 30 yr's knows that she is supposed to worry about her fucking black masecra around her coon eyes.

and...

true love is what we make. he was ... everything thing I needed and he knows i was everything he wants. thats what pains. many yrs many love... but i know im what he wants. im everything he wants.

I'm waiting ... till that day .. I take you home, know that I'm waiting. ..
or not.
I'm done.
dont wanna be. will be with no question. ... doesn't mean i wanna be.


Hunted by his grace - the beatuty ... it's echos, i still hear him calling... calling me.
soooooo far away... you've gone so lone... till that day - Haunted by your grace
you know I’m falling
so cool without you
always in my mind
I hear you calling ...



I saw. I see. Im not so blind I wish to be. I see. let me ... let me .. please be .. the blind of me.

1:17 AM

The World Is Out To Get Me ... sometimes.

I couldn't possibly be the only creature who feels as though it sometimes appears that the whole bitter world is out to get me. Furthermore, how can it be that the more I try to speak my piece, even politly so, and make things right or to be understood I feel more like the displaced fool than the justified innocent child I feel like.

And as sure as I'm sure I am in the right I begin to question myself. Am I impulsive? Am I angry, out of control, irrational and just unmanagable? If I'm not, as friends and family would surely tell me I'm in the right (that's their job, of course) than what posses so many people in a condensed span to slap me in the face then look at me like I struck myself in a repetitive possessed form?

12:17 AM

No one changes.

An observation:

People never change. Simple.

I think it could be better said that we naturally grow into ourselves.

Who I currently am is not very different, if at all, than who I knew myself to be when I was 7 years old. My interests inherently remain and it's easy to say that my confusion has made a nest and laid eggs.

I watch as the people I've known for years "grow" but they haven't grown at all they are the same as I have always known only enhanced.


In this moment it feels as though I've found my lost self... however moments seemingly pass and tomorrow I may perceive my full circle in a alternative light.




2:45 AM

Don't Mind Love

Sometimes people would rather be lied to when told they are loved than not be told at all.

Truth looses it's meaning when the feeling of love is at risk.

The heart so often has great power over the mind. - Beautiful.

---

Depeche Mode: Lie to Me



Come on and lay with me
Come on and lie to me
Tell me you love me
Say I'm the only one

Experiences have a lasting impression
But words once spoken
Don't mean a lot now
Belief is the way
The way of the innocent
And when I say innocent
I should say naive
So lie to me
But do it with sincerity
Make me listen
Just for a minute
Make me think
There's some truth in it

Promises made for convenience
Aren't necessarily
What we need
Truth is a word
That's lost its meaning
The truth has become
Merely half-truth
So lie to me
Like they do it in the factory
Make me think
That at the end of the day
Some great reward
Will be coming my way

9:02 PM

Too young to be old.

The fragments of my age, however still fairly young, are shifting and binding.

Upon discovery of my daughter on the floor entangled in one of her toys (doll's high chair) with her diaper half off and a clump of feces held up clenched in her right hand like a grenade I preceded a beautiful day tangled in defeats threatening vines.





And to the bath she went.

After towel drying my, now clean, daughter I attempted to pick her up but while doing so I was suddenly introduced to a sharp vexatious pain in my lower back. I could not move, I couldn't see properly and what I could see was as bright as the beautiful day less the beautiful. I propped myself on the bathroom sink and would have thanked god that my cell phone was right there if I believed in god. I took a moment to look at my nekked daughter, pierce my lips and say out loud, "this isn't happening, this is not happening. What do I do, what do I do?."

So I took my phone and gestured my daughter to follow me into the living room before she realized I would be unable to keep her from playing with and tasting the toilet water. The pain shook my vision as I moved my body to the too soft sofa. I decided not to make any phone calls and waited a few minutes for the alarming pain to subside.

My curious daughter, thankfully well behaved, told me she was, "hungi, hungi" with a nekked shiver. I couldn't move. Having realized that the pain was not going anywhere fast I began mass texting and calling everyone that I felt could care for my girl while I recovered. I received one response being from my Father who jogged the 30 minute walk from his home. My Father never jogs.

After about an hour of dragging myself around with an end table I was finally able to walk however uncomfortably.

My back is shot. This all occurred yesterday morning and it's now 12am the next night. I've taken a prescribed perk which, rather than alleviate the pain, it is causing me tiredness, slight nausea, and difficulty reading as I currently write.

I have a 2yr old, I must heal now. I have to go to work, I must heal now. I have to clean my home, I must heal now.

I am 29 years old. Am I not a considerable margin from falling apart?

6:41 PM

Look.

And when you steal a moment stop and look around.

See what you have forgotten.

Re-found.

12:12 AM

Motivation

Success.

Wealth, status, honors.

By what means does one execute success? I wonder how many successes one commonly amounts to throughout their life.

Or rather, do you travel in circles never getting on the on ramp regardless of the endless array of signs. This journey ends where it began, never ending, never beginning just always being.

I see so many re-runs in my life becoming acres where I've planted seeds so hopeful, so thrilled, determined and real. I carefully water my seeds, I know they will grow, I know my future will be beautiful, seeing it so clear, feeling it, I feel it, felt it, I hear and sense it in every way I could possible know that it is real.

And then... then it doesn't happen.

I look around me, twirling like a child showing off a new outfit but I have nothing new to show nor am I a child anymore. I stand in encore though I do not hear the applause, do not see the lights and I do not feel so proud as to scream some silly phrase like 'ARE YOU READY TO ROCK!'. I'm not ready anymore, no one is ready, everyone has left the stadium.

How many times can one make a promise to them self, to others, before they feel unable to stand any longer? Before they fall in this place that they've been fixed all too many times.

And here I go again. I will pick up. "I will survive"

I stand in this place appearing the same - seemingly unmoved, unmotioned sprinkled with the motion ( I sing) but this elemental twin is not identical. It's physique may be the same but looking within I mind an evolved mind... my mind. Focus baby, focus.

Here I do it again but I will not do it again. Bright eyes, beautiful skies, clean heart; this place so familiar is my new start. I see what I did not see, I know now what I didn't... I realize that I gave up, put too much on my plate.

My Grandma always said my eyes are bigger than my mouth.